Home is Where...?

I came back to WI for a visit and a Dr. appt. last Friday (spend Valentine's Day in the car, alone, driving 7.5hrs, anyone?) and was supposed to drive back to KS on Wednesday...I'm still in WI, though, because I got snowed in while staying Sunday night in Baraboo, and mom was sad that she didn't get to see me Monday night, so I stayed an extra day...and got weathered in again. Thus, I will not be leaving WI until tomorrow morning.


Under normal circumstances, I would really hate the delay, and having my plans so messed up. However, there have been a few things that have made the extra time not only bearable, but also enjoyable.

One of them being the results of the blood test at the hospital on Tuesday - all the numbers are good, and I don't have to go back to the Dr. for a year! That chapter of my life is reaching the closing scene, and I cannot wait to turn the page onto the next chapter and see what's in store for me there.

Second, my best friend and older brother has been staying with and working for my parents for a few weeks, and he's been here ever since I arrived, with the exception of the two nights we stayed at his apartment so I could see my friends up there, and hang out with his girlfriend. Getting to see him interacting with my family, and being so happy has been a blessing straight from Heaven.

My friends and family are an area of my life that you don't mess with - hurt them, and you incur a wrath that you would be better off never even knowing existed. To see the changes that are settling into his life bring a lightness to my heart that I haven't known in years. I never realized how much mental and emotional energy was used up interceding for him, but suddenly this great weight has been lifted, and a peace and joy have replaced it. And I have only God to thank for that.





So, tomorrow morning I will once again set out on the 7.5hr trip back to my new home, my new job, and my Kansas City friends...and I'll be sad (not that I'll cry, of course!) but I will also be happy. Because I leave my friends and family here in WI in a new and better place than when I left in December. And I know that I'll be back - and there's so much to do the next time I visit!

Where Is Our Power?

This is something I've been asking myself for a while - where has our Power gone? What happened to the days that we walked in confidence and authority in Christ?

I have seen a growing trend that we come to God with timidity - we ask Him for things, but we come to Him like we expect Him to say no. Like we need to ask just so, and only if we haven't eaten any processed sugars that week, and hoping that He's in a good mood.

But we don't need to hope. The Bible tells us to ask in His name, and we will receive (John 16:24). Sure, He doesn't always answer the way we hope He might - His ideas are often very different from ours - but that doesn't mean He's not answering us.

I don't mean to suggest that we should approach the King of Kings irreverently - He is, after all, King. But remember that we are called children of God - a prince is not afraid to ask his dad for something. He walks up to the same man that the entire kingdom is afraid to approach without an invitation, and just asks, fully expecting to receive what he asked for. Sometimes he will, and sometimes he won't, but the next time he wants something - back to Dad he'll go.

We should be the same. No, God won't always answer us the way we hope - sometimes when we ask him to show us His will on a matter, His will is that we go the opposite direction than we were hoping - but I guarantee He's got something better in mind.

When I was 18 and got the rejection letter from the college I was certain I was being called to attend, I thought it was the end of all things good and exciting in my young adult life. I spent almost two years feeling lost and wondering if I had missed something along the way. During those two years, I encountered more than a few circumstances that left me more confused and discouraged than ever, wondering how I had gotten so far off track from the amazing plans everyone assured me were mine for the taking. Then I got the call from Keifer about starting Lantern Press in Olathe, KS. 

What he suggested was more than a little insane, and I told him so in no uncertain terms. But even as I tried to convince us both that we were in no position to do anything that big, I knew it was God. There wasn't any writing on the wall, no audible command to move myself across the country - just a peace and a leading from the Spirit. But I'm a skeptic, so I set demands - before I would consider moving that far away from family and home, I needed a job. I had one within weeks. Next, I needed a place to live. This time, it was a matter of days before I received word from my contacts here - they had a place lined up for me to stay, free of charge, until I found a roommate and a permanent residence. After I finally agreed, and set a date to move, everything else fell into place. I got a job in Wisconsin for the next three months, and began making plans to move.

Some people thought I was crazy for expecting God to fulfill my expectations before I would take the step, and maybe I was. But then again - they thought Mary was crazy, too, and she ended up giving birth to the Son of God.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that there's a certain authority comes with our status as Children of Most High God, and I think it's high-time we stand in it once again, before our enemy has us all convinced that our status as such doesn't actually mean anything.

The Pain is Worth It...Right?

What happens when someone that you never thought about losing...is suddenly one of those people that that you can see slipping away from your life? What can you do when you realize that nothing is going to save the relationship that was - but neither of you is ready to step into the relationship that could be. Friendship is one of those delicate things that cannot be predicted, and you cannot see these things coming.

And so I sit here tonight, with a heavy heart, looking back on all the relationships that I've lost over the years, and I have to wonder...why? My entire life, I have wondered why I struggled so much to keep friends. From my first friend when I was four, to my best friend while I was in my pre-teen years, to this latest development -  my luck with friends has been atrocious.

The appropriate answer, of course, as a Christian, is that this just gave me a chance to grow closer to the Lord, and seek Him with all of that time I'm not wasting on friends and other frivolous things. And there is excessive truth in that, however, there are times that praying and seeking the Lord don't actually feel like enough.

Don't get me wrong, He is always enough. But there are times when a softly spoken "it's okay, I love you. You'll make it through, I promise," and a warm hug are crucial to recovering from the buffeting waves of the world. Let's be honest, sometimes a passionate, "You get the tar, I'll grab the feathers," helps a fair amount as well!

Honestly, I have no concluding lesson learned, or solution to the problem...basically today sucked, and I haven't got a clue what to do about it.

Excuse me while I go find some more comfort food and movies to indulge in.

28 Pieces

Written months ago, but never posted... I wrote this after the school shooting in CT, and everyone was asking 'where was God'? Well...this was my opinion. Take it or leave it.

 28 Pieces

“No,” I urged softly

“Please don’t lie.”

He hesitated, but powered on anyway

“No, mama, I didn’t touch it.”

And a few pieces of my heart fell to the floor

A few years later he’s at school,

Telling stories so the boys think he’s cool

“Shh,” I whispered, “That’s mean, don’t repeat it.”

And he didn’t hesitate, he just spit it out.

And a few pieces of my heart fell to the floor.

Now he’s in high school,

Yelling at his mom, sneaking a smoke now and then,

“You know this is wrong,” I said,  “Please stop.”

He sucked in a deep breath and dissed his mom again

And a few pieces of my heart fell to the floor.

Soon he’s graduated and moved on

He says he’s all grown up now

And doesn’t need me anymore

I beg him to let me help, and to invite me on his journey

But a few more pieces of my heart fall to the floor

He grabs the gun and slides the bullets in

I cry, yelling over the wall he’s built

“PLEASE! Don’t do this! I can help you!”

But he walks away, breaks into a school and takes lives

In all, twenty-eight pieces of my heart on the floor.

Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day! Time for cookouts, camping, fishing, and all things summer! That's what Memorial Day is for, right?

Sorry guys...not quite.

Don't get me wrong - the last weekend in May is a great time to break out all the summer gear. The winter cold, and the spring rains have mostly passed (except here in WI where it was 45° this morning!), the sun is coming out and the world is green once more. Kids are getting out of school, anxious to have some fun. And, conveniently, most people get a long weekend from work!

How often, though, do we forget the reason that so many people have extra time off? How many kids today leave school on Friday, and have no idea why they don't have school until Tuesday. Why is it so easy to create legends like Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, yet we can't tell our children a story about men and women that have given their lives for the freedom of our country?

For centuries, these brave men and women have laid down their lives for hundreds of thousands of people that they will never meet, and who will never give them a second thought - so they could have the freedom to attend the church of their choice...or not to attend church at all. So that children can grow up to be adults that picket the funerals of the very soldiers that earned them that freedom. 

Cemeteries all across the country are filled with the graves of those who have gone before. But the sacrifice comes much earlier. The sacrifice begins on the day that these young people sign their name on the dotted line in the recruiter's office. From that day forward, their life is not their own - it belongs to their country. When She calls, they must come.

The soldiers that have given their lives, both those in the past, and those that are serving today, are not the only ones who deserve a heartfelt 'Thank you' this weekend. Their families sacrifice as much as the soldiers do, for when they are called to duty, their family is left behind. Children, wives, mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, friends - we are left to continue living as though our heart wasn't a million miles away. As though we aren't waiting for the phone to ring, and that strange voice to tell you that your loved one will only be coming home one last time...followed by a 21-gun salute.

So this weekend, enjoy your cookouts, enjoy your families! That is, afterall, why these heroes serve. But take a moment, pull your children to your side, and tell them why they're out of school on Monday, and why there are American flags flying everywhere you turn. Raise up a generation that is grateful for the sacrifice of those that have come before.

Happy Memorial Day!

One Year Ago...

This post is a little late - but I've been busy. Living life. And there's something to be said for that, considering that a year ago the whole life thing was in question. For me, anyway.

Tuesday, February 12th was one year to the day from the evening my parents drove me to the local Urgent Care clinic because I couldn't breathe. I'd stuck it out for a couple months, and finally determined I couldn't take it anymore. Several different scans and tests later, the doctor informed us that I had Large B-cell, Mediastinal Lymphoma...a fancy name for a very rare form of cancer - most commonly found in women ages 18-30. I was 18.

One year later, I sat in my doctor's office, waiting for him to come in with the results of the scan that day. I wasn't nervous, but I was very ready to get the results and get out of there. Six chemotherapy treatments, and four scans later, plus the visit and scan at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN - I was more than ready to be done with hospitals and doctors. As anticipated, by Faith, the results were clear, and a few minutes later, we were on our way.

As you would expect, the diagnosis of cancer changes a person, especially at eighteen, with a full life ahead of them. No one expects to get cancer, and it always seems wrong to us. But a young adult, just on the brink of everything life holds for them - we feel violated, somehow. Like the world owes us something now. But I have observed over the years that when God said he wouldn't give us more than we could bear - He wasn't kidding. He also didn't mean that we would be able to handle everything on our own. Rather, the point was that He would be our strength, so that it doesn't matter what we encounter along the way, we're covered.

I've had many people ask me how I've been able to deal with this so well. I didn't cry, or panic, or deny when the doctor came in with the results of the tests. Partially because I knew, going into it, that it was bad. Call it a gut feeling, call it a hunch, call it a clue from the Holy Spirit - I knew Sunday night that if I stayed home and tried to sleep, it would most likely end very badly for me. So I knew that this was no simple fix. But it was more than that. I was filled and covered with a holy peace all through the week I spent in the hospital, and even beyond, into treatment. Was it hard? Yes. There were days I was convinced it was more than I could do. But then someone would call, or text, and remind me that I had more support than I could have ever dreamed of.

Someone asked me once, early on in this journey, 'Why you?' and they were angling towards the injustice. Why would the 'universe' pick on me? Why was I the victim? And one night, while I was laying in the hospital bed, wide awake at 4am thanks to the medication I was on, I typed up a response to that question. The conclusion was, essentially, why not? Why not me? Why should I expect that this would happen to anyone but me? I'm a people-person. I love to network with people. The more people I can affect with my daily life, the better. Which, quite frankly, makes me the perfect person for this. Because God is about so much more than just one person. Yes, He had lesson after lesson to teach me through this - but I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that He had lessons for many, many other people around me. I've already seen Him working in the lives of my friends any family, and I expect to continue to see it in the coming months and years.


So where am I going from here? Well, that's a tricky question with a simple answer. The answer is - I don't know yet. I don't have a career in mind, nor do I even have a job at this point. I have a few possibilities, and few things I'm praying about, but nothing is set in stone. All I know for sure is that whatever I do, where ever I do it - I want to be making a difference in lives. Because Jesus is about people, and He's about their lives. The world around us is important, but he's about lives. And that's what I'm making my life mission. Lives.

Change is...good?

Once again, I find my self needing to apologize for allowing so much time to pass between updates. So much happens, and yet it feels like nothing ever changes.

A few weeks ago - February 12th, to be exact - I went back in to the UW Hospital cancer clinic for my one-year anniversary scan and Dr. appt. Praise God, I am still 100% clear, and I now don't need to go back for another scan until next February. Although I do go back in mid-July for an appointment with the Dr, and blood tests.

Other than that, not much else is new around here - making plans for the OYAN Summer Workshop, as well as Lifest, and EAA, once again.